Post One: Getting Started

One of the foundational ideas in family systems oriented therapeutic work is the practice of joining with clients. This term originated with Salvador Minuchin who said:

“Joining is a relational commitment in which we start by understanding, accepting and valuing the family and each family member as they are.”

“Joining has nothing to do with pretending who you are not. It means tuning in to people and responding to the way they move you.”

“Joining is a mindset constructed out of respect, empathy, curiosity and commitment to healing.”

Before we ask about what brings the client(s) to see us, we start by getting to know who they are separate from the troubles they are experiencing. Starting the work in this way serves multiple purposes:

• Maintaining client(s) dignity at a time when they are vulnerable
• Helping them see that we see them as more than their worst day or worst behavior
• Helping them see themselves as more than their current struggles
• Creating a therapeutic space in which clients feel comfortable enough to do the work
• Helping us connect with the whole person and begin a working alliance
• Bringing hope into the room
• Allowing us to invite people to entertain alternative ways of being

Here are some questions we use to join:

• Families: Before we talk about what brings you here, what do you appreciate about your family?
• Couples: What drew you together when you first met and what of that endures?
• Individuals: Tell me something about you that has nothing to do with why you are here. What do you enjoy doing, what are your interests?

In addition to starting the work with the individuals, couples and families in this way, joining is an intervention to use when the work gets tough. We join continuously in sessions to maintain therapeutic alliance(s) and underscore individual/couple/family health. It is easy to lose our alliance with people when we are working with the relationship between them rather than taking a side. If you are working with clients and there is never any tension in the work, perhaps you aren’t pushing them enough to change. When there is too much tension, we need to re-create the therapuetic alliance by re-joining to sustain the work. Some quick ways to re-join are to reconnect with the person who we are losing or who is upset and move toward the intense emotion, giving it space, allowing it to be heard and understood. Name it to tame it, as Dan Siegel says.

When clients are frustrated with you or their family members/partners in the room, re-joining helps them regain capacity to think reflectively rather than behaving reactively. We move toward the intense emotion to help the client(s) feel seen, understood and be able to self-soothe. We do so in a way that invites good communication versus acting out. We use curiosity, slow pace, and a soothing tone of voice, inviting people to share what is important to them in a way that they are owning their feelings/position rather than blaming others.

Some examples of joining statements:

• What do you need to say that is true for you but not unkind to…(your partner, your family member)?
• Seems like you are frustrated (or angry or scared). Can you talk about it rather than letting it take over?
• This is really important; I’d like to slow down so you can unpack this. Tell me what is upsetting you.

Using the practice of joining enhances our capacity to engage with clients from start of therapy until its conclusion.