Post One: Getting Started

One of the foundational ideas in family systems therapeutic work is the practice of joining with clients. This term originated with Salvador Minuchin who said:

“Joining is a relational commitment in which we start by understanding, accepting and valuing the family and each family member as they are.”

“Joining has nothing to do with pretending who you are not. It means tuning in to people and responding to the way they move you.”

“Joining is a mindset constructed out of respect, empathy, curiosity and commitment to healing.”

Before we ask about what brings the client(s) to see us, whether they are there voluntarily or not, we start by getting to know who they are separate from the troubles they are experiencing. Starting the work in this way serves multiple purposes:

• Maintain client(s) dignity at a time when they are vulnerable
• Help them see that we see them as more than their worst day or worst behavior
• Create a therapeutic space in which clients feel comfortable enough to do the work
• Help us connect with the whole person and begin a working alliance
• Bring hope into the room
• Joining creates therapeutic connection that allows us to challenge and invite people to entertain alternative ways of being from a place of feeling seen and appreciated.

Here are some questions we use to join:

• Families: Before we get into what brings you here, what do you appreciate about your family?
• Couples: What drew you together when you first met and what of that endures, despite the current challenges?
• Individuals: Tell me something about you that has nothing to do with why you are here. What do you enjoy doing, what are your passions?

In addition to starting with the individuals, couples and families in this way, joining is an intervention to use when the work gets tough. We join continuously in sessions to maintain therapeutic alliance(s) and underscore individual/couple/family health. Especially with more than one client in the room, it is easy to lose people when we are working with the relationship between them rather than adjudicating who is right and wrong. If you are working with an individual and there is never any tension in the work, perhaps you aren’t pushing them enough to change.

So, when clients are frustrated with you or their family members/partners in the room, re-join helps them regain capacity to think reflectively rather than behaving reactively.  We move toward the intense emotion to help the client(s) feel seen, understood and be able to self-soothe. We do so in a way that invites good communication versus acting out. We use curiosity, slow pace, soothing tone of voice inviting people to share what is important to them in a way that they are owning their feelings/position rather than blaming others.

Some examples of joining statements:

• What do you need to say that is true for you but not unkind to…(your partner, your family member)?
• Seems like you are frustrated (or angry or scared). Can you talk about it rather than letting it take over?
• This is really important; I’d like to slow down so you can unpack this. Tell me what is upsetting you.

I hope that using the practice of joining enhances your capacity to engage with clients from start of therapy until its conclusion.

Liz Brenner, LICSW